Firsts
by codexfawkes
Summary: "What's with all the yelling?" Kaylee asked looking back and forth between Simon and Jayne. "Your twisted ass boyfriend is tryin to convince 'Nara to get a boy whore to sex up River, that's what." Jayne spat.


Firsts

By Codexfawkes

Disclaimers: I own nothing Joss is boss.

AN: This story features lobsters, so nice I used it twice. ^.^

Jayne pulled on a clean t-shirt, yawning and stretching as he headed toward the ladder leading out of his bunk. He quietly closed the hatch, grinning to himself as he stepped into the hall. He'd had a damned good night, one that had left him completely and utterly sated. Schooling his face he headed down the corridor to get some breakfast. He walked into the kitchen so focused on getting food, he almost didn't notice the intense discussion happening on the other side of the room. "It's not River's past that has me hesitating. I just don't feel comfortable with you making this decision for her." Inara explained gently. "I understand what you're saying and normally I wouldn't interfere. However River will be twenty next week and on Osiris this is the traditional gift given by one's parents. A rite of passage she shouldn't have to miss out on, especially when she's missed out on so many others." Simon reasoned. During this exchange Jayne had been preparing coffee and some protein oatmeal, his presence going largely unnoticed by the rooms other occupants.

Jayne frowned into his mug, obviously whatever surprise Simon had in store for his sister 'Nara weren't too sure it was a good idea. Something about the exchange bothered him, but not knowing what they were arguing about made it impossible to pinpoint where his unease was coming from. "Simon please understand, I know your motives are pure and sincere. That was never in question. I appreciate both the cultural significance and the courage it took for you to come to me about this. It's not every brother that would be able to put aside his own discomfort to make sure his sister had a proper first experience. I applaud your motives, it's the suggested implementation that I'm questioning. Primarily whether River would even want to participate. Cultural norms aside how can you be sure she's _ready_ to lose her virginity?" Inara asked.

Jayne choked on his coffee, coughing and spluttering at her question, bringing his presence to the pairs attention. "What the ruttin hell doc? You ain't got no right to hand yur sister over to get sexed!" Jayne roared slamming his mug down on the counter and advancing toward Simon. "This has nothing to do with you, this is about River. The least I can do is assure her a proper first time with a skilled Companion." Simon retorted. "You ain't sendin her off to no Companion, gorram it." Jayne growled clenching his fists. "_Back off_, this has nothing to do with you." Simon warned standing to face him. "The hell it don't!" he shouted just as Mal, Zoe and Kaylee walked into the room. "What's with all the yelling?" Kaylee asked looking back and forth between Simon and Jayne. "Your twisted ass boyfriend is tryin to convince 'Nara to get a boy whore to sex up River, that's what." Jayne spat. The three of them gaped at Simon unable to believe Jayne was right.

"You wanna explain this doc?" Mal asked tightly. "This really isn't any of your business Mal." Simon replied. "Then it's true? You can't be makin those kinds of decisions for people Simon." Kaylee said horrified. "Kaylee's right, that's not something anyone can decide except _River_." Zoe agreed. "Oh for, _look_ on Osiris it's _tradition_ that parents will gift a child with an experience with a Companion when they reach the age of twenty. River will be twenty next week and I want to be able to offer her that experience. _Offer_, not force. I only approached Inara _first_ because I wanted to make sure it _could_ be arranged should River decide she _wanted_ the appointment." Simon defended exasperated. "Still pretty damned weird doc." Mal said finally. "And it still has nothing to do with you, Jayne or anyone else. Except Inara should she chose to help with the arrangements." Simon retorted. "It's my boat, ain't nothin goin on, on my boat I ain't got a right to know about. Not sure why you're talking about Jayne though." Mal told him. "Because he was insisting it _did_ have something to do with him just as you three came in." Simon replied.

All eyes swung to Jayne curiosity written on their faces. "Well Jayne, you gonna explain what River's would be sex life has to do with you?" Mal asked tripping over the words sex life. Jayne looked around at the curious and increasingly suspicious faces and wished for once he'd been able to keep his damned mouth shut while angry, silently pleading for River to appear. "Waitin for an answer." Mal said annoyed at his mercs prolonged silence. "She ain't got no need for a Companion to give her a first time. She already done had one." Jayne finally admitted looking Mal in the eye. "With _who_?" Simon asked incredulous. Everyone turned to look at Simon in mingling amusement and pity at his denial of the obvious. "With _Jayne_ ge ge." River said suddenly appearing behind Mal causing him to jump in surprise.

River moved to stand beside Jayne, his orange t-shirt hanging on her like a dress. "You best be wearin something under that lil witch." Mal threatened. River wordlessly lifted the bottom of the shirt to reveal a pair of blue boxers, obviously Jayne's, the waist rolled several times to make them fit better. Something that also made them quite a bit shorter. Jayne quickly shoved the shirt back down. "Coulda just said yes." He grumbled. River slipped an arm around his waist as she snuggled into his side with sleepy contentment. Jayne wrapped a muscular arm around her shoulders, needing to keep her close to him while the others stared like they'd sprouted extra limbs. "Don't worry Captain, I chose him. Respect led to friendship, friendship to love. Now we're lobsters." She told Mal happily though still somewhat fuzzy with sleep. "Lobsters?" Mal and Zoe asked in tandem. "Wolves woman, wolves. Ain't no one gonna be intimidated by no gorram lobster." Jayne corrected sounding annoyed even though he was fighting back a grin.

"No, this is what going mad feels like." Simon mumbled sinking into a chair weakly. "He needs a new catch phrase." Jayne commented with a snort. "What do lobsters and wolves have to do with Jayne and River being together?" Kaylee asked confused as she sat next to Simon. "That surely is a riddle, mei mei." Mal said heading toward the coffee pot, he needed caffeine for this go se. "Riddle? I like riddles, what's the riddle?" Wash asked coming into the mess. "What do lobsters and wolves have in common?" Zoe asked accepting a cup of coffee from Mal. "Hmmm, that's a good one." Wash said helping himself to oatmeal seemingly oblivious to Jayne sitting at the table with River in his lap as they ate breakfast. "Mei mei, help me understand. _Why him_?" Simon pleaded. "Why not me?" Jayne asked insulted. "Would you like that list alphabetically or chronologically?" Simon snapped. "Got it, they mate for life!" Wash crowed triumphantly as he dropped into his seat next to Zoe. "Huh?" Simon asked looking at the pilot confused. "Lobsters and wolves, it's what they have in common. They both mate for life." Wash said throwing a wink toward River. "Nice to see things are working out there Rivtor. "he continued grinning at Jayne's dumbfounded expression. "Xie xie, Washosaur. Everyone seems quite accepting of our choice, except Simon but that was easily predicted." River replied grinning back.

"You knew?" Mal asked incredulous from his seat at the head of the table. "Well they weren't exactly hiding it. I mean they're constantly touching, bantering, sparring or just sitting together. Hell last night she followed him to his bunk. Am I really the only one who noticed?" Wash asked looking around at everyone. "I've been kinda wrapped up in Simon I guess." Kaylee said blushing. "I admit I suspected they were getting closer, but I didn't realize things had gone so far." Inara offered. "Wash and I talked about it, decided it wasn't our place to put them under a spot light. Like he said they weren't sneaking around, figured they'd make things known officially when they were ready." Zoe explained. "Well I had no ruttin clue and should have been told before anyone followed anyone else to their bunk." Mal admonished.

"Did…did he hurt you?" Simon asked abruptly. Jayne's face flushed in anger and embarrassment as he glared at Simon. "No Simon, Jayne didn't hurt me, _wouldn't_ hurt me. If you truly want details rest assured Jayne is a courteous and skilled lover, he gave me _many_ orgasms." River replied bluntly, her voice taking on a note of smugness. "I can't know stuff like that!" Mal exclaimed horrified. "How many?" Kaylee blurted out the question unable to help herself. "Kaylee! What did I just say?" Mal cried. "Sorry Capt'n, but it ain't normal for a girl to have even one the first time let alone many. Got me curious is all." Kaylee defended. "Yeah, well talk about it somewhere I ain't." Mal ordered. "Shall we retire to my shuttle ladies?" Inara invited standing with a smile.

The Zoe and Kaylee stood grinning but Jayne held River tight on his lap. "Nope, soon as you leave they're gonna start threatenin me with guns and air locks an your brother's gonna start lookin for somethin sharp." Jayne complained. River turned in his arms and softly kissed his lips before slipping off his lap and approaching her brother. Everyone watched curious as River leaned down to whisper in his ear. "You wouldn't!" Simon exclaimed horrified his eyes snapping to Kaylee as River stepped back. "Best not test that theory. I like all of Jayne's parts exactly where they are and don't need him worrying you're going to remove any." Rive replied unapologetically. "Fine, I won't threaten or act against him. When he hurts you don't come crying to me." Simon spat. "If Jayne ever deliberately hurts me I will be the one to punish him. Not you, not Mal me and frankly I'm scarier than both of you." River pointed out. Simon perked up at this, smiling slightly at the idea of her hurting the mercenary. "Now be good, all of you, and remember I can kill you with my brain." She said smirking before following Inara and the others out of the room.

"Well Jayne, you're either a braver or stupider man than I thought. Not sure which yet." Mal said with a chuckle once the ladies had disappeared. "Lil' bit a both I suppose. She's worth it though." He replied with a grinning leer but unable to keep the soft look from his eyes. "You love her." Wash said surprised. Jayne ducked his head, focusing on his breakfast unable to deny it and not ready to confirm it. At least not to them. "It don't make you weak you know." Mal offered after a long moment of silence. "Aw hell, I know that." Jayne responded. "So do you love my sister or not?" Simon pushed. Jayne dropped his eyes to his now empty bowl, fiddling with the spoon uncomfortably. Threats and anger he could handle, but telling these three that he was in love, well the words seem to stick in his throat.

As Jayne struggled to come up with an answer that would satisfy his girls over protective brother and his pride, he suddenly heard River's voice in his head. Everyday for the past few months, as they'd been getting more serious, Jayne had found moments where he worried about what the others would do when they found out. Inevitably he'd feel her slim arms wrap around his waist or neck as River pressed herself against him from behind and whispered the same poem. She said it so often Jayne had memorized it and found himself repeating it to himself at odd moments. Not even realizing he was doing it Jayne began to recite the poem that had inadvertently come to mean so much to him, to both of them. "Those lips that loves own hand did make, breathed forth the sound that said 'I hate,' to me that languished for her sake. But when she saw my woeful state, straight in her heart did mercy come, chiding that tongue that ever sweet was used in giving gentle doom, and taught it thus anew to greet. 'I hate' she altered with an end, that followed it as gentle day doth night, who, like a friend, from heaven to hell is flown away. 'I hate' from hate away she threw and saved my life, saying 'not you.'" He said softly his eyes never leaving the empty bowl in front of him.

Inara poured four cups of lavender tea, as the ladies of Serenity settled in for some long overdue bonding. "My first time was rotten. Johnny, that was his name, didn't have a clue what he was doin. It hurt like crazy and was over real quick. I loved him though, and well it got better. I taught him a thing or two about girls bodies and he was a real good learner." Kaylee told them grinning. "Mine was actually pretty good. I've heard horror stories, but I think where I went right was I picked an older man. It made a difference having someone who knew what the hell he was doing. Knew enough that I likely wouldn't fall during, so he made sure I did before." Zoe offered smiling at the memory. "Well mine was quite different as you can imagine. I began training to be a Companion long before I was old enough for intercourse. Once a girl reaches a certain level of emotional and physical maturity the actual sexual training begins. First learning under gentle guidance how to please your own body, then others. The hymeneal rites take place in the temple and is actually quite an elaborate ritual. I felt very special and adored that day. I was treated like a princess. The ritual particulars itself are a closely guarded secret but I found great pleasure that day." Inara told them smiling fondly.

"In the temple, like with other people watching?" Kaylee asked her eyes going wide. "No mei mei, no one was watching us but we were in the temple. It was very peaceful." Inara assured her. Three set of eyes turned to River expectantly, who was surprised to find herself blushing. "Last night wasn't the first time I spent the night in Jayne's bunk, or even the first time we had sex. We've been doing that just about every night for almost a month. I've been sleeping down there for almost three, but for the longest time he'd drawn the line at actual sex." She told them seeing surprise on their faces. "Can't say I ever pegged Jayne for the patient type." Zoe said dryly. "He kept telling me that he didn't want me to do anything I'd regret. He took it as his responsibility to make me love the things we could do together, since so many bad things had been done without my consent." River explained. Inara smiled gently, amazed and thrilled to hear about this new side of him.

"That honestly surprises me, how long he held out." Zoe said clearly reevaluating him. "Jayne has certain ideas about how women should be treated. Obviously he doesn't mind making comments or jokes, he won't censor himself that way, but he has an unyielding belief that women should never be touched in a bad way. Even when paying for his own pleasure he makes sure the woman falls at least once, more if he can manage it. He takes great pride in being able to make the most jaded whore in the verse fall. Hell for him that's the best part, making a woman fall as many times as he can before he has to have his own." River told them beaming. "He told you all that?" Kaylee asked smiling. River nodded as she sipped her tea. "We talk about all sorts of things. He even thinks things at me. Deliberately thinks something nice and loud so I'll pick up on it. Sometimes it's jokes, or something he wants to do dirtside and yes sexual things too." River told them.

"Does it ever bother you when he acts like, well himself? The spitting, swearing, sneering, violence or his obsession with his weapons?" Inara asked. "No, it really doesn't. It's all a part of him. Jayne is all those things but he isn't _only_ those things. If I truly couldn't tolerate those behaviors things never would have gone past friends. I never understood the concept of meeting a man, supposedly falling in love with him and then trying to change everything that makes him…him. I like that he's loud and crude and goofy and weird and violent and every other obvious trait as much as I like the hidden ones. The ones that make him hold me tight after a nightmare gently assuring me that he does indeed love every bit of who I am, even the crazy bits. The way he unapologetically wants to kill everyone connected to the academy while at the same time selfishly being glad I went there because if I hadn't I wouldn't be here. It would be like loving Simon but trying to get him to give up medicine, or to try and force Mal into a society life or to tell Wash he had to stop flying to keep you happy. It wouldn't work, they'd be missing part of who they are." River explained. "You're right, trying to change a man doesn't work and really why bother? If you can't love him like he is you're both better off not trying." Kaylee agreed. "Alright enough of this girly le se, lets get to the good part. How many orgasms?" Zoe asked smirking sending them all into fits of laughter.

Jayne looked up from his weight bench where he was adjusting weights to let Wash have a go. After the Shepard had passed on and Wash needed to recover from the harpoon through his upper chest and shoulder that nearly lost him his life and for a while they thought it would cost him an arm; they began working out together. At first Jayne hadn't been too thrilled, mostly cause the doc tended to hover making sure Wash went slow and didn't hurt himself. Once Simon had declared the pilot recovered and stopped hanging around Jayne found he liked it, plus the little man sure could make him laugh. "Should I be worried about that?" Jayne asked cocking his head toward the raucous laughter. "Honestly I think we all should. Every person in that shuttle has sexed one of us that isn't and they're sharing. Talking about what we do, what we won't do, what we want to do that they won't and everything else we don't want to think about people knowing." Wash told him. Jayne cursed under his breath, she was in there making him sound like a pansy he just knew it.

"Really? I thought it was just me." Kaylee said grinning. "No, I love it when he gets a bit rough. It was hard to convince him of that, especially that first night but damn it I needed him to move not just lay there." River agreed blushing even as she laughed. "Simon don't really get rough, ya know? Not like I'm sure Jayne can. I bet Jayne's real good at just takin control and makin you shudder with need. Simon's not so much into tough love as…mildly impolite love." Kaylee confided with a giggle. "Okay, you need to use only pronouns so I can pretend we're not talking about my brother." River said tossing a pillow at the mechanic who only laughed harder. "Wash is damned good at taking control. I have such a dominant personality, am always in such control and Wash, he just breaks through all of that. As much as he's fine with sitting back and letting me take the lead with the other parts of our life, in our marriage he very much holds his own and our sex life, merciful Buddha there's nothing that man can't make me do. With just a look he can tear down every defense I have and turn me into a shivering pile of _need_. There have been plenty of times I have literally begged him to let me fall." Zoe told them blushing slightly at her uncommon openness. "Mal does that for me. A Companion, even one in a non-sexual role as I now am, is always in control, always and in every situation. To be able to drop all of the pretense and just be, just feel. Well it's very liberating. Mal would never want me on my knees and being truly subservient, and I'm sure it's the same with Wash; but to give over control like that, to completely trust another person with every part of you it's amazing." Inara agreed. "Well, I'm sure there's at least one activity he wouldn't mind you being on your knees for." River snickered causing the others to burst out laughing.

"That truly is disconcerting." Simon said looking up at the shuttle door. The men had gathered in the cargo bay, all pretense of working out forgotten as they worried what the women were saying to make each other laugh like that. "What is it we're doing that's so gorram funny?" Mal asked trying not to feel insulted. "Bet they're laughing at the doc." Jayne taunted smirking. "Hey, I can give Kaylee just as many orgasms as you can give…" Simon abruptly stopped speaking embarrassed and slightly nauseous as he realized what he'd almost said. "Don't feel bad Simon, at least we're all in the same boat." Wash said far too cheerfully for anyone's taste. "Ain't you worried Zoe might be tellin 'em somethin that'll make ya look bad?" Jayne asked curious. "Nope." Wash replied with confidence. "Why, did you do something that would be embarrassing?" Mal asked smirking at the merc. "Hell no, Riv ain't got nothing bad to say on that score. You heard her, many. It's more the romantical go se we all gotta go through ya know?" Jayne replied. "Like reciting poems?" Wash teased. "I done told ya, she says it all the time. Just kinda stuck in my head after a while." Jayne defended flushing.

"You like it?" Kaylee asked amazed. "Simon asked me once, blushed like crazy too, and I woulda just to make him happy but he realized I wasn't into it and quickly back pedaled. Sayin it was alright, he didn't need it." Kaylee said. "Yes I do like it. It's…I don't know, I feel powerful when I do it. I like knowing that _I_ can make _him _lose control, it's a turn on. Knowing that I can make him shake from something so simple, and the act itself it very…addictive. It surprised me just how much my body responded to giving him oral pleasure, shocked the hell out of him too actually." River confirmed grinning. "I never liked it, I would for certain customers but only rarely. So I was honestly shocked when I realized I _wanted_ to do so for Mal. It doesn't do much for me physically, but I do like giving him that pleasure sometimes. I think it's more that he's never asked, never seemed to expect it to be part of our sex life. Mal seems to have just decided that no woman wants to orally satisfy a man and accepts it. So I do like to take him by surprise and give him that, especially when he enjoys it so much." Inara told them. "Wash never asked, but then again he didn't have to. I'm with River, I like it. I like the almost animal nature of it. Watching his eyes roll back in his head. Hell, I was fantasizing about getting that man in my mouth before I'd even kissed him." Zoe said a wicked grin on her face.

"When Jayne realized I truly do like it when he really takes control, when he's rough, in words as well as action. Then realizing that I liked pleasing him that way. Simon would be horrified but, I love it when he flips that switch and suddenly he's darker, shoving me to my knees in front of him and saying 'open your mouth girl.'" River paused shivering. "It sounds so bad, like he's being mean or something but…" she trailed off not sure how to express what she meant. "But in reality you're the one in control. Because you know that he wouldn't be doing it if you didn't want him to. It's the same with me. Wash is so gentle, it almost seems impossible he could be a dominating force but he can. It's not the only part of our love life, but when we go there, when he's in control and I'm just feeling, doing what he says, taking everything he gives me. It's in a good way, a completely amazing forget how to breath let alone think kind of way." Zoe explained for her smiling gently to let the younger woman she understood completely.

"If they're in there much longer I think drinking may be in order." Mal said from his perch on a crate. The others murmured in agreement, each straining to hear anything to indicate the mood on the other side of the shuttle door. "Jayne…can River…does she know when…I mean to say…"Simon trailed off uncomfortably. "Can she tell when your sexin up Kaylee?" Jayne supplied helpfully, completely enjoying the other mans discomfort. "You have absolutely no tact at all do you?" Simon asked annoyed. "Nope." Jayne agreed grinning. "You're surprised?" Mal asked smirking. "I don't know why, but yes." Simon replied. "Look, I think we're all better off not knowing the answer to the original question. Because if he confirms what we all suspect, next time we're trying to throw down our best moves we'll have it in the back of our heads that River might be picking up some of it. Really, who needs that kind of pressure?" Wash said looking around at the others. "Good point, Jayne I order you not to answer Simon's original question." Mal said. "Don't worry, she don't tell me anything she picks up from ya'll and returns the favor. Only feelin's she talks to me about are our own." Jayne assured them. "Thank Buddha for that." Simon commented.

"When you guys are together, do you feel everything he feels? I mean, are you feeling twice the pleasure because he's liking what you're doing and you're liking what he's doing?" Kaylee asked. "To a point yes, but after a while it's like the pleasure short circuits my brain and I only feel me. It's really the only time when it is _just_ my feelings. That he can do that to me, for me, well I can't really describe how amazing that is." River answered as best she could. "I think it'd be too much, if I could feel Wash's desire and pleasure along with my own. Don't rightly know if I could stand it." Zoe commented. "Wish I _could_ feel what he's feelin sometimes. Simon holds so much back ya know? Not when we're in bed or nothin, but in general. Wish I could give him the kind of freedom Wash, Jayne and Mal give you all." Kaylee said wistfully. "Mei mei, you can. There's no rule that says the man has to be the controlling force in the bedroom. I bet if you let yourself take charge, told him how it was going to be rather than asking, he'd begin to let some those walls down." Inara advised. "It's about giving him what he needs, and Simon needs to give up some control. He's gotten better what with River getting her mind back and you helping him come out of his shell, but he needs to learn to let go." Zoe agreed. "Let him see it's okay, not only to let you take control but to like it. And don't let his tendency to use proper language keep you from getting a bit more…colorful in your own. Talk dirty, he'll blush and stammer but I know he likes it. He thinks he shouldn't but he does." River told her.

"You're so different, it's hard to believe you grew up in the same place." Kaylee said. "I was taught the same strict rules he was, I just never bought into them. Simon has always had in intense sense of duty. To our parents, to our family name, to me, to the hospital, to his patients, to the crew and to you. He shows respect and affection by trying to do everything the 'right way'. I never bought into the idea that there was only one right way in this 'verse. People are so vastly different, it doesn't make sense that there would be only one right way to do anything. But Simon, he revels in rules and standards. Very little of our life out here is in his control, so what he does have dominion over well, he tends to over do it. What would seem to others useless words and empty gestures, to him it's everything. It's honoring everything he was taught to believe in, to value. So by being proper with you, by not letting go, he's really trying to do right by you." River explained. "So how do I get him to let go?" Kaylee asked.

"Let him be proper, let him hold on to that because it's important to him. Only, when the two of you are alone, challenge that control. Don't push, or try to force him into anything he's uncomfortable with, just subtly take control. Tell him you want to do something for him, to make him feel as wonderful and as free as he makes you feel. Encourage him to just lie back and enjoy it, whatever it is you chose to do. Take it slow at first, let him get used to the idea. Now that you know he likes rougher language use a little, nothing over the top, just in the heat of the moment ask him if he likes what you're doing to him in a so called dirty way. Get him to acknowledge his enjoyment, praise him for doing so. If he's embarrassed out of the moment and apologies for losing control or saying something he feels he shouldn't have, reassure him. Tell him you liked that he let his walls down, then move on. Don't dwell on it or try to oversell him. Just a simple 'no sweetie I loved it, really,' and then let it go. Eventually he'll begin to relax and let himself go completely. I've got a book if you'd like to read it. Though I'd recommend reading it only in here, you wouldn't want him to be embarrassed." Inara offered.

"What the hell could they be talking about that they've been in there this gorram long?" Mal asked taking a swig of sake. "I don't think I want to know." Simon said leaning his head back against a crate. "Can't all just be about me'n River, I mean hell it's been three hours. How much can there be to say?" Jayne complained from his place sprawled out on his weight bench. "It's four women talking about sex, love, emotions and romance. Honestly, we could be looking at several more hours." Wash said earning groans from the others. "Alright enough of this sitting around go se. I say we go up to the kitchen, bring the sake of course, get us some snacks and play some cards. We can wonder what they're up to just as easy from comfortable chairs and won't look nearly as pathetic if they find us drunk in the kitchen as if we're all sprawled out here clearly waiting for them, like lobsters." Wash said. "Enough wit the damned lobsters." Jayne grumbled sitting up. "He's right though. Won't hear the end of it if they find us like this." Mal agreed. The men hauled themselves to their feet and trudged up to the kitchen. Soon they were sitting around the table with salty protein snacks and glasses of sake, rather than simply passing the bottle as they'd been doing.

River began to giggle, her head tilted to the side in such a way the others recognized she was reading someone. "Jayne and the others are getting drunk. He's starting to demand we come out and tell them what we've been talking about 'for so ruttin long.'" She told them focusing back on her friends/sisters. "Merciful Buddha, give me strength." Inara said with a sigh. "No, if they want to know so badly maybe we should tell them. After all if Simon really wants to know that River likes going on her knees for Jayne…" Zoe trailed off wickedly. "Or if Mal really wants to know that Kaylee wants Simon to get a bit rougher with her." River agreed smirking. "I'm sure Jayne would like to know that Zoe loves it when Wash bends her over the back a the pilots chair." Kaylee offered. "I have no doubt that Wash would be thrilled to hear that Mal has a tongue that can make my body supernova." Inara added grinning. Zoe stood and looked around at the others. "All of a sudden I'm feeling the need for a snack, who's with me?" she asked. River immediately bounded to her feet, followed quickly by Kaylee and Inara.

Jayne heard footsteps coming their way and tensed. "Shut it, I hear 'em." He hissed trying to look intensely interested in the horrible cards in his hand. The others quickly pretended they hadn't spent the last several hours obsessing over what the women were up to and focused on the game. Laughter grew louder as the ladies of Serenity filed into the galley, barely glancing at their men. Heading into the kitchen they began rummaging for food. "So are you all done with your private conclave?" Mal asked trying to sound casual. "No, actually we're just breaking for food. Why, were you all missing us?" Inara asked smiling sweetly. A shudder ran up Mal's back, he could practically hear the danger collision imminent warning. "Maybe we should continue our talk out here, doesn't seem quite fair to leave them out. After all they are part of what we've been talking about." Zoe reasoned. "Wait, you're admitting you've been talking about us?" Simon asked surprised. "Not exactly a secret Simon, after all the only reason we went to the shuttle in the first place is because Mal refused to let us discuss it in front of him." River replied. "Discuss…what exactly?" Simon couldn't seem to help himself.

Wash groaned, he knew from experience and the gleam in the women's eyes that this was just the opening they were waiting for to let loose things that would horrify them all. "Well if you really want to know we will tell you. Do you all really want to know?" Inara asked. "Yes, we really want to know." Simon answered for them. "Uh, nope sorry I'm all for male solidarity but they've got plans to tell us horrible things. I can tell. So for the record, I don't want to know, don't need to know and am perfectly happy for you ladies to keep as many secrets as you like. Especially if it means not having to know what anyone else is doing to anyone else. On that note I am going to take Book's advice and do the smart thing by retreating to the bridge." Wash said tossing his cards down and heading out of the room. The others watched as Wash paused just long enough to kiss Zoe before disappearing toward the front of the ship. Jayne had been looking at River the entire time and decided Wash was right, he didn't need to know what she told the others and didn't want to know what they told her. He stood, knowing she'd picked up on the thought because of the softening in her eyes. "Sorry bao bei, but I don't wanna hear whatever bit a torture you got in store for me. Even if it's my own damned fault. I'm gonna go hang wit Wash and the dinosaurs." He told her kissing her lightly on the forehead before following the other man out of the room. "And then there were two." River said turning her eyes on Simon and Mal. Mal seemed torn, he truly didn't want to know about the sex lives of his crew but didn't want to be run out of his own galley either. Simon was likewise conflicted. He had no real desire to hear about things Jayne had been doing to his mei mei, but he also needed to know she wasn't in over her head. "Last chance." Kaylee warned grinning. Mal looked at Inara and in a fit of self preservation stood. "I think, in this one area, I don't want to know what's been happening on my boat. I'll be in my bunk." He said walking over to Inara and kissing her softly before leaving.

Once Mal had left the women turned toward the stubborn doctor as one. "I…don't really want to know but…can't stand not." He confessed. "You mean you can't stand not knowing what I've been saying and doing. Not so much the others, right?" River asked sitting across from her brother. "Yes." He agreed simply. The other women returned to their search for food leaving River to deal with her brother. "I won't tell you everything and I won't sugar coat what I do. I also won't defend why I chose Jayne." She warned. "Understood." Simon replied. "Anything specific you want to know or should I just jump in and tell you what I like to do to him?" River asked with a smirk. "You…you said he gave you pleasure. He didn't ask you to do anything…weird did he?" Simon asked haltingly as the others joined them at the table. "Could you give me some parameters please? I'm not sure what you consider to be weird." River said before taking a bite of the sandwich Inara placed in front of her. "I'm not sure what you mean…" Simon trailed of uncomfortably.

"She's asking for a gauge of what activates you would consider weird. For some people flogging is normal and to others completely unacceptable. What would you consider to be weird?" Inara explained. "He hit you?" Simon exclaimed alarmed. "No Simon, there was no flogging or hitting. She was merely giving an example to get you to explain your idea of weird." River said rolling her eyes. "I guess anything outside of…you know…the usual." He said weakly. "Pretty vague there Simon. Well let's see here we've had oral sex, vaginal sex, he's had me hold my breasts together so he could do it that way. I've been on my back, on my side, against a wall, bent over, on top and that one time standing with one leg raised over my head resting on the ladder. I've licked…" she listed until Simon interrupted her. "Alright! I get it! Lots of sex." He said stopping her. "You wanted to know." Zoe pointed out.

"Against a wall, how does that work? You're so much shorter than him." Kaylee wanted to know. "He has to hold me up. Jayne lifted me so my back was flat against the wall, my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. Basically I can't do too much more than hang on that way, though I can use the wall to get some leverage to move against him." River explained. "Oh god." Simon whimpered. "You should have heard how much she likes giving him oral. Thought we were gonna have to hose her down." Zoe told him grinning at his discomfort. Simon's head shot up a look of shock on his face. "Okay now you're just messing with me. I've never known a single woman who actually liked doing that." Simon denied. "Well now you know two." River said winking at Zoe. Simon gaped at them not sure how to take this, his eyes slowly turning to Kaylee. "It's not something I really get anything out of, but I don't mind doing it once in while. I want to make you as happy as you make me." Kaylee told him.

Simon looked at River, not sure how he felt about his sister knowing these things about him. "We can talk about this later, in private." Simon said. "So wait, you're entitled to know about what I do with Jayne but I'm not allowed to know what you do with Kaylee?" River asked an edge to her voice. "I…just wanted to make sure you weren't doing anything you aren't ready for. Obviously you're fine. So from now on I don't want to know anything about it. Just come and see me later for a birth control shot okay?" he asked. "I already got one, I won't need another one til next month. I got it at a clinic on Persephone before you ask. I used an alias and wore a disguise, no one will be able to trace me." River assured him. "Alright, do you have the paperwork so I can update your file?" Simon wanted to know. "I'll get it to you later. For now I think I'm going to go claim my merc. Ladies." She said standing. Zoe and Inara quickly followed suit leaving Kaylee and Simon sitting at the table together. "Come on." She said standing up and holding out a hand to Simon. "Where are we going?" he asked taking her offered hand as he stood. "Your bunk, we've got some things to talk about." Kaylee told him leading him out of the room with a smile.


End file.
